Careless Whisper

I have learnt one fact - that I can’t expect anyone including my parents or any of my loved ones to serve as a candle that burns itself to provide me a beam of light for whatever reasons. It is not and never a must for my parents to provide heat and light so that I can equip myself well enough to battle the challenges waiting ahead. I understand that it is their willingness to commit themselves to sacrificing to give me the best of the best but it is never and has never been a natural course, nor a necessity, or a pre-requisite that entitles them to be labelled as great parents. Sometimes I feel utterly guilty that I’ve taken for granted the abundance of love, care and concern I’ve been showered with over the years.

The most cruel fact about life is that we always ignore the importance of expressing our appreciation until it’s too late. We tend to only appreciate and acknowledge the importance of what we’re about to bid farewell to, be it temporarily or permanently. Then of course for a case of a permanent parting, I guess the fear of losing is a gazillion times stronger, like what I experienced when I knew I was gonna say goodbye to my Great Grandma forever. Thank goodness after all these years, time has healed the pain and helped me unload the burden borne for quite some time and the scar that reminds me of my wrongdoings has shrunk to a much smaller size. Then again, apart from taking relationships for granted, I did not count my blessings that I missed a lot of wonderful things that could have painted more colours in my life. Perth and UWA, what I had anticipated so badly before things could materialise and before I realised that my wishes had already been granted, I felt that everything was just so wrong, that I was at the wrong place, the wrong school, hung out with the wrong group of friends, chose the wrong majors, bought the wrong car. All in all, nothing seemed to be right. Only till the day my world fell apart that I was aware of all the blessings I’ve had throughout my 21 years as a human being and I saw what’s been lacking in me. Till this day, the fear of giving way for history to repeat itself does threaten whenever my mind withdraws itself back to the days when my ignorance often led me to believe that I had a good grasp of every single thing on earth. The truth is that I thought that I was always in control. Anyway, what has happened is history and shall not be a hindrance or burden to me. After all, I’ve learnt my lesson, though paying too high a price for it.

I know and I admit that I’m yet to reach a maturity phase (like the curve you learn in Industry Analysis.. lol) and perhaps till the day I turn 60 (if I can ever live to that day) I’ll still be struggling to handle inevitable changes in life but then the fact is that life as a whole has always been perceived as pathetic. I don’t like to generalise but you name it - deaths, separations, killings, genocides and the list goes on. Apparently, happiness is never permanent but from the the battles that I had undertaken regardless of its results, I have come to believe that in every soul there is this gift planted in us since the very first day we started our journey on earth - the power to turn negatives into positives. In us there’s this ability to twist our views a little that then channels to a transformation of agony into strength, disappointment into hope and fear into courage. It’s just a matter of time for us to get connected with this strength, to make a difference in our lives if not for the neutralization of the imbalances in our emotions.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve fallen to my knees dozens of times but the painful process not only made me rise again, but delivered wisdom and grew me a brain. For now, I’m trying hard and learning to be what it takes to be a filial daughter and grand daughter who does not have to outshine others but to be at her best to make her parents and grandpa feel proud; a loving and encouraging sister who can share her insights and values with her brother; a family member and a friend or a person regarded with affection and trust who can be counted on; and one who asks what she can do for the world and not what the world can do for her.

It’s been months since I last posted an entry as it’s always been tough for me to put up an entry which allows me to whole-heartedly express my feelings. It’s never easy to share in public because you don’t know who comes in and read and who does not and I seriously dread the idea of posting anything offensive to a single soul who is related to me. You’d probably conceive me as over-protective of myself but hey who does not? I’ve always attempted to post some of my then views and perceptions on certain issues but I never had the courage to complete them because I’ve learned a great lesson in the past that being too blunt often lead to undesirable outcomes. Well, I admit that I always avoid getting myself into deep shit cause’ there’s no point draining my soul and physique to deal with things of no value. But today I’m certainly in the perfect mood to share even though my views may sound offensive and may be kinda finger pointing but for now I seriously do not give a damn cause’ it’s up to the reader to decide if she or he is the subject to my compliments or criticisms.

There has been some growths taking place since I came back for my break and growth here does not refer to physical growth of lumps or any part of my body. I’m speaking of mental, emotional and personal growth or in other words enhancements in my values and insights. Every trip home is an educational experience for me and it’s been a more intense one this time. I have been exposed to different horizons and I’ve been more analytical and sensible than ever be it regarding my career path or relationships that I’ve been tied to. I wouldn’t mention anything concrete on my future plans as it’d be too early for me to declare to the world as to what I have in my mind at the moment due to the uncertainties that will possibly occur before I embark on the journey I intend to pursue when time comes. I never knew till recently that my values and ideas could be that volatile that I have come to a point to be more discreet when it comes to sharing. Of course, I still share as it’s been so important for me to share but only with closer friends whom I can easily inform of first-hand news. It is during this break that I have noticed that there are so many friends around whom you can only talk crap with and friends who once in a while pop in and say hello and suggest a gathering or a meeting but never give a damn to seriously arrange for anything nor picking up your call. I wouldn’t say that it’s wrong to be such friends because a lot of us practise this and I’m one of such. It has just become so natural that once you’re drifted by distance and time none is willing to put in the effort to bridge the gap. Still, there are friendships that do not require any effort to sustain the bond. Such friends I’d always view as true gifts in life and I will cherish them all my life. Lastly, there is also a category of friends that often keeps you company at most times and allows you to share with them your ups-and-downs in life, ever ready to listen and offer a shoulder when you’re in the gutter, to laugh and celebrate with you when you’re on cloud nine. If not for them, I would have fallen off the cliff when I was going through the worst of times.

I would say that Perth has been a training ground, a school that made me learn and grow up, a place that threw me with dozens and dozens of obstacles and a heaven that taught me how to stand up no matter how hard I’ve fallen. Most of all, I’ve been taught to appreciate and cherish my family and the love extended to me and I guess that’s the most precious lesson of all. I’m about to leave home again for a duration of four months but my return to Malaysia will be a different one as I’ll be taking with me the most precious certificate which is my sole objective of being there for four years apart from the lessons learned and the values instilled in me throughout the years. I’m gonna miss home for sure but it is my resolution for this new semester that I make the best out of it as it is my final opportunity to be an undergraduate in the University of Western Australian - a love-hate place.

Like I’ve said before, I always engage my mind with thoughts and ideas that sometimes should never have existed, followed by a series of confusions and feelings I dread and at the end of the day finding myself gaining nothing.

Perhaps, alcohol would be the perfect antidote but too bad I’m almost a teetotaler so damn the idea of having a drink.

If only I could care less; If only I could stop demanding for excellence; If only I could put all the considerations aside. I could have felt much better with the way things are. Good riddance of stress. I know. Who doesn’t? But when you’re born such a person, it’s no easy task to transform.

Nothing comes easy. Again, I know. But what does acknowledging mean? Nothing! Everyone knows what it takes to be perfect (of course the criterion varies for each person) but who can make a perfect person?

One more thing, does ego matter that much? Some categorize ego as one of the most worthless things on earth so dammit if you have that in you. Yet, who gives who the dimension to be infinite? So honour it if you think it means the world to you. After all, who gives a shit?

I probably need a life that’s made-simple but deep inside I still can’t deny that it’s just not me until I’m convinced by the rationale… perhaps.

I apologize for the randomness.

I am now committed to studying IAS standards to complete my assignment which is due on Friday. But much to my disgust, each time I try to get into it, I absorb much lesser than the usual rate, in which the subject I study involves fields I have a thing for. eg history, politics, finance, economics, cars and the list goes on. My ‘receiving signal’ is probably weaker than my PC’s wireless at its worst state. Some would probably feel that my failure to excel in accounting is self-caused for I seem to have predetermined the worth of this field of study to me. Well, perhaps this is the case for some people but for me, I guess not cause’ I once fell into this trap I unintentionally created as a result of self-deception. At one point, I perceived that pursuing the course would eventually make me enjoy as I get to the core of it and there were probably things of my interest I failed to see at that point as my horizon provided me a very limited scope of this field. So finally I was convinced as I kept knocking positive perspectives into my head day and night, telling myself that no matter what, walking this path would contribute to my career at the end of the day and that accounting knowledge was crucial in running a business. Apart from that, there were lots of people offering sincere advices that accounting would be the perfect path I needed to take to produce results (Do not get me wrong. I’m not blaming) and as usual I got drifted by the flow that I brought myself to a threshold of a whole new experience. Dilemmas, emotional tug-of-wars, distress, frustrations, I had them all. As I walked I began to realize that there’d always be gains and losses in whatever course you choose. It’s just a matter of how able you are to magnify the gains to make you feel good. Since the mechanism of achieving a goal matters-not, why choose something you’ve got zero passion for? As long as I keep myself committed, I’ll do whatever it takes to produce desirable results. I now see the importance of having passion in doing what you’re doing. Life is about devotion - devotion to your community, devotion to doing and achieving what’s most important to you but sad to say that it has been our culture that only when death approaches, we get to see what’s important to us and what’s not. But at this point, I understand that I’m in no position to complain for in less than a month, it is the end of this phase. Up till this very moment, I have never denied the fact that studying accounting has done me good but I’d say that I disregard orthodoxy in attaining my goals. Like I said before, the mechanism does not matter. Nevertheless, I still have to pull through this phase and complete my walk before getting myself into a phase I’ll probably enjoy better. I now have an aim - to disregard the negative sides that have much contributed to my frustration and to focus on getting myself to the finishing line.

It feels like walking the green mile and if you’re not new to me you should know that my words speak for me most of the time.

You’d probably feel that I’m too much of a pessimist. I’ve got no choice. Well I do but the alternative’s gonna cost me more than just facing the sentence. So I’ll just walk the mile because it’s the best choice available right now, which means I’ve only got one choice and does this make any difference from not having a choice?

I swear I’m gonna get my ass off Uni this year. I don’t give a shit! I’m drained. My inside is so dry that it’s left with nothing to feel. You’d think that I’m pulling your legs if I told you that it’s been ages since I was in touch with my emotions.

Still, I gotta be thankful cause’ at least I’m aware that I belong to mankind.

A few months down the road, this burden borne for 16 years can finally be lifted and I’ll be free. I’m counting the days.

So I haven’t been updating for quite some time. It’s kinda funny that I hardly update when I’m in Perth cause’ there isn’t much to say about my life here. What is there to mention in detail about attending lectures and tutorials, eating, sleeping, procrastinating and (occasional) partying? I dedicate this entry to people who read my entries to update themselves with my latest events and well-being. Thanks for your concern and I can assure you that I’ve been moving quite steadily despite the changes that have taken place. I’ve moved to Ascot which makes me sick of attending classes at 9am due to the bloody traffic but I’ve been coping quite well with my studies compared to the previous semester partly because I prefer economics to accounting and finance. It feels great to be able to do so many electives in Year 3 and also, to know that my results will no longer be a determinant of my career prospect. *Winkz* Those informed of my latest decision should understand why… And it’s been proven that when grades is not a concern, I tend to learn more and surprisingly perform better. Easter break which was a study week rather than a break has come to an end in just a second. I did not have much time to relax as there were loads to work on and I had to prepare for two damn exams. It’s weird that I barely go out this year. Need proof? I can provide some statistical figures here to give you some idea. To my disbelief, I’ve been to the city only twice (with purpose), made about 5 trips to Northbridge and never stepped into the casino since I came back. So you can imagine how dull and dry my life is but I’m taking it happily. I’m feeling rather comfortable with the change but I’m paying quite a large price for it, that is DISCONNECTION with the community. Sigh… I know I can’t have the best of both worlds but I seriously despise the idea of going out everyday to GET CONNECTED. There’s probably a win-win way but I haven’t seen one. Drop me a message if you’ve got any idea.

Lectures can be interesting at times as you get to study about human beings and cows through COW-ISM...

COW-ISM

SOCIALISM: You have two cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and give you some milk.

FACISM: You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them and you claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows and both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Now you should be able to understand why I insist on listening to i-lectures when I’m too lazy to get to Uni at 9am.

Again, I’m leaving for 4 months
Can’t wait to be back again!
I’ve experienced this inevitable feeling dozens of times
Anyway, I chose to pursue my degree there and so being away is part of my choice
Thanks to Asiaworks I believe my final year’s gonna be a great and fulfilling one
There are lots of things I wanna accomplish and this time the keyword is COMMITMENT
I don’t wanna live the way I’ve been living for the past 3 years
I had a great opportunity to take a deep look at the way I lived
And I know that my final year’s gonna be a different one
Looking back, my past 2 week’s been really great
I had a wonderful time connecting to people of all walks of life
I got to have a glimpse of the many aspects of my life that needed adjustments
I learnt what it means to be committed
I experienced, I shared, I listened, I reflected and I got aware
Nothing in life can provide me what I’ve gained from the training
And my subsequent week in Terengganu was superb
I truly enjoyed the sharing sessions with my closest friends
Stored in my memory were the times we chit chatted at the beach
I was overwhelmed with tonnes of positive feelings
Sad to say good things always come to an end
But thank goodness I get to look forward to this every year
It’s always sad to leave but the purpose of doing so neutralises it
I’m looking forward to achieving more this year!
Bon voyage, Malaysia!

Please pray for this wonderful girl who has the sweetest smile and a heart purer than gold.
My dear friend, I’m getting you the Lee Hom DVD you wanted so badly.
We’re gonna watch it together right?
And I can’t wait to hear you sing your favourite songs.
I believe you’ll definitely make it through.
You gotta prove me right this time OK?
Wishing you the best of the best…

First of all, before I start blasting some god damn idiots who speak and act using their ass instead of their mouth and other proper parts of their body, I’d like to ask for forgiveness for being subjective in a way while expressing my thoughts here. Anyway, these are just thoughts of mine that can be ignored by those who strongly oppose my views.

I’m now sitting in front of my laptop feeling stunned, flabbergasted, taken aback after witnessing the way some animals behave at clubs. The definition of clubbing may vary to each individual, depending on which category you’re in. The first and very positive definition of clubbing is the participation of a group or individual in the more active aspects of urban night life and the very purpose of this activity is to release the pressure that suffocates you throughout your week or to gain some relaxation after a week of hardwork. Yes, I strongly agree that well-behaved people deserve indulging themselves at clubs. Well, there is another definition that may offend club lovers but bear in mind that I’m just referring to a certain group of people oh no I mean animal. Again, excuse me for my bluntness. Clubbing is one favourite activity of the moronic,  which involves being shunted like cattles into a converted warehouse… sadly not to be slaughtered but to wear ridiculous trendy clothes, dying to gain attention by dancing around like monkeys, and most of all to pick up brainless members of the opposite sex, and generally standing around aimless in a desperate but pointless attempt to show how cool they are. I repeat, not all act so.

Basically, this whole thing is meant to blast the brainless idiots who do not know how to behave at clubs. Hello, we’re all there to have fun, to dance with the music as the DJ plays our favourite songs. So why the hell act like a drunken shit and go offending people who don’t even give a damn to know who the hell you are? For those who do not want to be labelled as morons and hence do not respond, there’s no word I can say but respect. As for people who get agitated, I do not blame you for reacting cause’ there’re times when these bastards cross the line that you can’t help but giving him a tight slap on his face that shows extreme arrogance. My curiosity makes me wonder why these people who start pointless fights are unable to act and behave like a human being with senses. How much does it take or cost you to BE A MAN instead of a COW? If attention is what you yearn for, get it in a proper way, a humane way, not by talking and yelling like the uncivilised who worshipped rocks and trees! If you think you’re still living in a cave tens of thousands of years back, hello~~~ please wake up and get back to reality. It’s year 2007 now. You are not only humiliating me but yourself and your parents who had never in their wildest dreams imagined that the child they raise would turn out as a party animal . You are a humiliation to human kind. If you feel that the world today isn’t for you and that you are unable to live according to the rules the majority of the world have set, I suggest that you spend your time inventing a time machine to send you back to the days when killing was not only a legal but an honourable thing to do rather than creating havocs and being a disgust to the eyes of human beings who want to club peacefully.

Your drunken state does not make killing and raping a reasonable act, so as to humiliating me as if I’ve owed you my life. Stay away from me if you enjoy behaving in a way I see as extremely despicable. Hand on heart, I swear that I’ve never done anything offensive against you or any of your kind but not for this moment after I started writing this blog. Again, I’m telling you that getting into fights and trying to show off how great and cool you are by acting uncivilised make you no respected man but a paria dog. What do you expect of me? To be brainless like you are and engage myself with your so-called cool activities? I acted cold because I saw no point in having ignorant friends who do not know what makes a human. Anyway, there’s no need to clarify as people like you can never understand how a human being thinks.

Well, I guess I’ve written more than I should have. The above examples only covers the group of minorities and I apologize to clubbers who live the way the majorities live.